History of My Own Discoveries About Octopuses

It all started innocently enough. I had many times gotten my car washed at Octopus Car Wash in my home town of Madison, Wisconsin. Nothing bad had ever happened except some change was stolen, and I got it back. Surely, I thought, octopuses and humankind were at peace. Then I saw “The Octopus Show” on PBS, a documentary television program. “The Octopus Show” revealed that octopuses are really interesting: they have unusual eating and digestion systems, are extremely well-adapted to their home, and are the subject of increasing attention from the scientific community. What’s more, octopuses can slide through pipes. The show was amazing and I recommend it to anyone curious about octopuses, their capabilities, and their environment. Kudos to PBS for the great show!

Anyway, this started me on the path towards the truth. Opening my eyes has been the most difficult thing I’ve ever done, but worth it. My findings are summarized here, before your eyes. It is time for us to get together on this—and for our Armed Forces to do whatever is necessary. It was the government-funded TV station, PBS, that started it all—a bitter irony, given that it was the government that was covering up the octopus story in the first place! But the truth is come. Octopuses are evil. And they are merely biding their time.