Octopus FAQ (Frequently Asked Questions)

How would you sum up an octopus in three words?
Vicious, vicious killers.

Nine words?
Vicious, vicious killers who know exactly what they’re doing!

Can’t legal means be brought to bear?
Unfortunately, no. Octopuses, as they well know, are technically outside the reach of our laws.

"What Can I Do?"
It’s natural, after learning about what octopuses are really all about, to want to help in the effort to defend against them. I’m afraid that it may already be too late. But there are some things that we can do, and the valiant power of the human spirit (and the American Spirit!) are things that give us hope even in these times of woe. So what can you do? Here are some ideas, drawn from the playbook of real-life:

• Spread the word.
• Put up signs in your neighborhood explaining what’s wrong and how we’ve been misled by our own government. (It’s not unpatriotic to criticize the government—what’s unpatriotic is not to care!)Here are some slogans that you can use for signs:
  • "The octopus is upon us!"
  • "If you were an octopus, where would you hide? In the den of Satan!"
  • "If squishy, squishable bodies are any indication of goodness, then octopuses must be saints! But in fact it’s the opposite—they’re the devil!"
  • "Don’t leave your baby with the octopus!" (because it might eat the baby)
• Be on the lookout for an octopus coming to get you—and if it comes to get you, give it "a little grief!"
• Write to your member of Congress about the be-tentacled menace… but don’t give away the game by showing that you know the real, honest truth! They’re all in on it, up in Washington D.C.
• Arm yourself with sea-salt, often called "Octopus’s-Bane."
• Use Common Sense. I call this the "N.T.O. rule": Never Trust an Octopus, like with your valuables, purse, etc. It is liable to eat ANYTHING, up to and including a HUMAN BEING.
• Again, use common sense: would you leave your son or daughter with a known killer? No? Then why would you leave him/her with a known octopus?!